Crime!, and Punishment?

by Gilbert Keith

So, after a long time, I decided to write a real post. I am restarting blogging. For the last year or so, my “blogging” has consisted of copy/pasting articles or youtube videos; I plan on continuing that, but I think I should do more.

Anyway, so, while I was taking a shit today, I was thinking about the layout of the tiles in the bathroom my suite-mate and I share. It consists of several 1″ x 1″ square  tiles which are either beige or grey. The pattern on the floor is seemingly random, with the half towards the shower consisting more of grey tiles and the half towards the toilet consisting of more beige tiles. As I started looking at it deeper, though, I started recognizing several shapes that usually come up in tetris.

I used to be an avid fan of tetris, when I caught the disease spread by people in Physics, as they thought it was the only wise and sane way in which time allotted in class (ostensibly to finish homework and stuff) could be spent. Soon, I, imitating all the cool people, DOWNLOADED tetris onto my TI-89 TITANIUM (see how much cooler I suddenly was?) and started playing it like another crazy bastard. I think I got the game from a certain I. L., or Mr. I. L. played it on my calculator; whatever the case, I was aggravated to see high scores in the realm of 290,000 (!) which I knew I could never beat. I mean, I knew I. L. was crazy, but exactly to what degree he would take his craziness to, I knew not.

While staring at these tiles, a thought occurred to me. Well, really, it occurred to me earlier when I started writing this post, but whatever. Imagine if this I. L. were to be in the Inferno (note: there are several reasons for I. L. to have this fate, notwithstanding his obsession with certain things and a failure to commit himself to Christ); The following question naturally arises – “what would be the best punishment for this I. L.?” Well, surely, a Mr. S. S. would say “In the month of May, Mr. I. L. would have to enter examination halls and take the AP test for all students simultaneously.” However, that does not satisfy the Hell scholars, because I. L. would be unemployed for 11 months of the year! A miss A. Z. proposes, “OMG, HAVE A (TEDDY)BEAR HUGGING HIM FOR A MINUTE FOLLOWED BY MAULING FOR A MINUTE. THE TISSUE CONTINUOUSLY REGROWS SO HE SUFFERS THAT FATE FOREVER.” However, this being too gory for the author’s taste, is promptly discarded.

Several great suggestions are advanced. It is proposed that A drunk M from the pair M&M keeps requesting I. L. accompany them in bed, but I. L. never gets the chance to be with the second M alone. An M. W. proposes that I. L. answer infinity line long tossups on I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell which happens over and over again. B. S. and V. S. proposes that I. L. be given a giant pair of boobs, and has to he has to keep hugging forever; Oh, and also, I. L. be given four arms so that he can hug himself BELOW THE WAIST TOO.

The author proposes that I. L. simultaneously plays infinity games of tetris on TI-89, all of which end with 0 points to I. L.’s credit! Following every game, I. L. is forced to assume a look of terror as his button down shirt is torn into infinity piece by a blast caused when several tonnes of sodium react with water, and that shirt is reassembled into two shirts by the Banach-Tarski paradox. I know I am a hateful bastard, but imagine how much satisfaction that would give me! I WOULD ALWAYS BE BEATING I. L. AT HIS OWN GAME!

God bless you I. L. I hope you try your best to avoid all those fates.

G. K.